Sometimes one can be so filled with emotion, of all different kinds, that it’s difficult to express or even acknowledge what you’re actually feeling.
Sometimes I’m overcome with sadness, guilt, lonliness and even despair. I say sometimes, but it’s pretty often.
But I’m the friend who always has the brave, can’t-touch-this, I-don’t-feel anything- kind of face. I’m the friend who can be called upon in times of need, company or comfort. A reassuring “everything will be all right” tone- an ear that always listens and reminds you what current good is in life rather than current bad.
But when I’m overcome with the certain emotions above, I don’t have a ‘me’ to turn to. It’s times like this I’m so very grateful to have faith and God in my life. I really resent using the term God, but it’s the simplest.
So when I’m hurrying to my car in the boltic cold and driving home from my friends house whom I’ve just given my ear to, immersed in lonliness, I can now give God a smile and a thank you. Even just a ‘hello’ is normally enough.
But I didn’t have this knowledge two years ago. Even really a year ago. I hadn’t been embraced (or let myself be embraced) by the universe and infinite love. And I wonder to myself how did I ever get through such anguish back then?
And then I remember I barely had this amount of anguish before then. Because the infinite love that came with God also brought along infinite suffering. Because there is no Yin without Yang, and there never will be.
But I suppose, along with this infinite love also comes more strength, more positive vibrations. And even perhaps more opportunity. I know we create our own reality, and that I have to use this as my main tool in life. But sometimes it’s very difficult when awash with so many emotions.
I don’t know. I just feel like I used to be able to control my feelings a lot more. But since I gave myself to the universe, I’ve even unable to keep on top of them.
Got to keep going of course. Tomorrow really is another day and perhaps some of the emotion will subside by then. And if it doesn’t, well, we’ll just have to keep working on that reality.